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A Promise to Myself....
4 min read
Okay, so, I want to get a tattoo.
There. I said it.
I've been wanting one for years, ever since I got into looking and drawing some small body art pieces, and I just loved the idea of having something on my body that would be just mine forever. Not something stupid that I would regret not five years (or five minutes) after it was done, but something nice and simple and meaningful.
With that in mind, I automatically scrapped any picture piece. Honestly, I doubt there's any picture or drawing that would sum up everything about me or represent my own personal motto or signify my personality to any kind of advantage. I'm not big on flowers, except for maybe lilies or roses, and even then they seem really cliche and anyone who sees it would expect some deep, personal, emotional significance and I just don't have that. Anything involving my interests like art or geeky things also seems a little too weird mainly because I don't want those things to define me as the only interesting things about me (even though sometimes it feels that way). Anything scary or sexy or abstract or whatever is just out. I'm not any of those things, so no. Just no.
So, a written phrase it is...... And here was the hard part.
What phrase out there could I put on my skin that could be so very "me" without changing over time? What sequence of words and letters could I embrace into my very being without worrying if my personality or mind will change and make them obsolete? What could always be me?
It took me a long time. A very long time. Painful times. Sad times. Happy times. And all the times in between that have no proper description.
Four words. That's it.
"This, too, shall pass"
And that is me. Many hours laying in the dark, alone in my bed and in my life, surrounded by stress, problems, responsibilities, expectations, fears, uncertainties, disappointments and regrets, all wrapped up in tiny moments of happiness, contentment, laughter, change, along with the most minute bit of peace. Nothing lasts forever. Everything dies. All things, come to dust. The Good and the Bad. Where one ends, the next begins, and the circle just keeps on turning.
That horrible day at work? Where nothing went right and you ended up disappointed and embarrassed with yourself over what you did, didn't do, and could have done? It will pass. That day when your parents just seem all too regretful over how you're living your life when you're too scared to take control of your future because you're petrified of failure? It will pass. Those times when it seems that everyone around you is changing, for better or worse, and you're still stuck in a limbo of fear for what could be and might never be? It will pass. That moment when you're so happy, dreaming of something so wonderful and perfect that you just can't help smiling so widely and brightly and for one singular blissful moment everything's finally right with the world? It will pass.
All things end. And then they begin. Karma.
My life in a nutshell.
I'll get it when I finally decide what to do with my life. When I've decided how to live without living in fear. That day, I'll post a picture of it and submit it to DA. And I'll show the world (or at least the DA world) that I'm finally living. For myself. For my future. And I always have those words to keep me going. To keep me grounded.
To give me hope.
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...Not Happy, Just Frustrated
4 min read
Hey guys,
Long time, no submit....again.
Update time..... (sigh)
So, first of all, no I haven't been drawing anything. Nothing. Not really. The busy life of a busy employed person who really needs the money just doesn't give the much needed time and space for me to work in. And if working almost non-stop (there were those 2 weeks of Snow Days to contend with where I live cuz the East Coast got blasted by late snow storms for nearly all of January) wasn't enough, I've recently had some personal/business troubles to deal with.
To begin, my mother had some major surgery in December, meaning that I had to take over for her at her workplace all the way up till now. Along the way, she also decided to retire after 30+ years of work (a very good decision for her, Go Mom!), so I was going to keep on working in her place until something more permanent could be decided. Now, here's the thing, I had already promised to work another woman's maternity leave in April and May (it's her third child so Yay!), but until then, the plan was to work in Mom's place, then trade off when the time came for the other woman to have her baby.
No big deal, right? I had months to work = months of pay = money to pay off my loans = happy me.
However, and this is where things get fuzzy, somehow someone else (who doesn't not have the best reputation in the business) decided to try to make a play for Mom's old job, i.e. what I'm doing now. And somehow, they got it. I was told that I would have to vacate my position to make room for this person as of tomorrow (Monday) cuz that's when they show up to take over for the rest of the year.
So now the math goes: NO months to work = NO months of pay = (-)money to pay off my loans = UNhappy me. (And just so you now, that's a negative sign in front of money...... I feel like I'm back in my classroom again.......)
And then, and then, the person decides "oh, I won't show up Monday, but rather sometime later that week, I still don't know even though I've ousted a competent person from their job, forced someone to move everything they own in four days, and caused massive amounts of frustration and anger in my wake but I don't care about that....."
Yeah, not a happy camper here.
And if that doesn't take the cake, recently the stress of all this has triggered some anger issues I need to confront and deal with. I was snapping and snarling at people all around me, and if you know me personally, I'm not normally like that. Most of the time, I seem so apathetic about things, anger doesn't even register....in public. But all this plus tension between me and my folks over when I'm going back to school and my own uncertainties about where I'm going in life is just taking its toll on me and the people around me. Everything seems to set me off. I fly off the handle, quick temper flaring, sass and snark and sarcasm abound, and I just want it to stop.
So far, I have three days left to work before I get back to free-lancing. I've already decided to spend those days not caring about anything. I'm not dealing with whiny, immature people, I'm not dealing with back-stabbing, underhanded covert individuals that like to mess everything up just cuz they're bored, and I'm not dealing with taking anything personally. That's the only way I'll survive.
God, I needed this weekend. I would have exploded by now....
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Better Days Are Here At Last...
3 min read
So, long time, no submit.
My life has been a bit of a roller coaster since my last entry. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. I ended up finding a somewhat stable job in the education system of my town this past March. I finally had a job, a great income considering the salaries here, and found so many opportunities based on years of subtle networking and knowing the right people around here. Getting my first paycheck was a really good day. Heh, finally depositing that baby and actually having the opportunity to use and work with my own money was a truly liberating feeling.
Then the summer came, and well, things happened. One job that I did, I didn't get paid for because someone in the higher ups completely forgot to ask for my payroll sheets, so about $1500 dollars was kept from me for months. NOT happy about that, believe me. I was majorly pissed and yet somehow utilized the patience of a saint until I finally got a hold of those sheets and tracked down the certain superior (the one who didn't call them in the first time) to give them to her, thus enabling me to get paid.
Anyhoo, I got my check as well as started/ended a profitable position a few weeks ago (more money) and I've been requested to do some women's maternity leave in the coming term. Yay!
On another note, the uh.... situation involved in the last two journal entries has been finally dealt with and is now over. For good.
No, my parents did not get a divorce. No, I wasn't forced to move out. Yes, everything is fine. Even better actually.
The problem was that one of my parents was an alcoholic. A serious alcoholic. They have been ever since I was a small child and for many years before. Of course, it was always a problem, one that was shoved into the background with many negative side-effects. Things I wish had never happened. Things I wish I could forget. But always caused by the alcoholism.
Over the summer, that parent kind of went a little off the rails. The problem grew until other family members got involved. An intervention of sorts. And the harsh physical side-effects of the alcohol made the situation even more pointed. Apparently, Parent 1 thought that it wasn't as bad as I and Parent 2 were making it out to be, but when other relatives got involved, well, light-bulb moment. Parent 1 finally got it. This was bad. This was obvious. Everyone knew. Everyone hated it. It had to stop.
And it did.
Parent 1 has been stone cold sober for 2.5 months and counting. Not one drop. No temptation. Totally dry.
And it has been for the better for everyone. Parent 1 found a wealth of support from all of us. Regular phone calls to check in, family days and trips, no fighting or arguments, it's all been so good. Now, both of my parents get along so much better now. So many see the positive aspects of this change. So many are happy that it happened.
And I'm happy too. No more anxiety, well, that particular anxiety. No more family-related stress.
Better days are here at last....
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Coming Out on the Other Side
3 min read
Hey everyone.
....
So.... I guess things turn out okay after all. Nothing's really fixed (not officially), but things have been going better. The incident from my last entry hasn't been repeated, at least not to that extent. There was some talking, some crying, some anger, some bitterness. But that was all expected. No surprises. but to know that the TYPE of incident itself hasn't been repeated is a much greater win. Things have been going good. Really good.
Okay, so I'll drop the heavy stuff since there are much better things to talk about. Namely.... GRADUATION!!! I FREAKIN' GRADUATED!!! WHOOT!!!
The ceremony wasn't very big since there were less than 200 people graduated for the fall term. People got dressed up (and believe me, being vacuum-sealed into an LBD and heels, while not the most comfortable, was quite fetching), the gymnasium was filled to capacity I think with all the people that came, and the profs were covered in their very best colored velvet robes. In the end, it was short and sweet, not counting the long-winded speeches in the beginning.
Secondly, I'm up for a position possible in January, so I'll be getting ready for that. Training seminars and whatnot. Promised to not last more than a month online, so that isn't very bad at all. And a plus, I'd be working with my Mom, so I have a fountain of help right there. Probably rake in quite a bit of money, working off student loans and such soon. Studying for the coming MCAT, applications, working, very busy in the New Year.
So yeah, things are finally looking up for me. Now that the stress is over, I'll start working on some new stuff for DA. Some ideas floating around, but give it time and I may surprise you!
As for the holidays, I got some giftcards for Amazon as that'll be the new fail-safe for any gift-giving holiday. Already ordered stuff (yay!) so it's already coming in. (double yay!) Also, got 2 scarves from my mother, one a dark purple and the other a beautiful lavender. And they gots tassles!!! So pretty!!! Love them already.
And that kinda wraps up the last few weeks. Everything's going okay, better than before. I'm fully graduated and about to start working hopefully. Christmas presents coming soon in the next week or so.
And it all feels good. Yep. Good.
....
So.... I guess things turn out okay after all. Nothing's really fixed (not officially), but things have been going better. The incident from my last entry hasn't been repeated, at least not to that extent. There was some talking, some crying, some anger, some bitterness. But that was all expected. No surprises. but to know that the TYPE of incident itself hasn't been repeated is a much greater win. Things have been going good. Really good.
Okay, so I'll drop the heavy stuff since there are much better things to talk about. Namely.... GRADUATION!!! I FREAKIN' GRADUATED!!! WHOOT!!!
The ceremony wasn't very big since there were less than 200 people graduated for the fall term. People got dressed up (and believe me, being vacuum-sealed into an LBD and heels, while not the most comfortable, was quite fetching), the gymnasium was filled to capacity I think with all the people that came, and the profs were covered in their very best colored velvet robes. In the end, it was short and sweet, not counting the long-winded speeches in the beginning.
Secondly, I'm up for a position possible in January, so I'll be getting ready for that. Training seminars and whatnot. Promised to not last more than a month online, so that isn't very bad at all. And a plus, I'd be working with my Mom, so I have a fountain of help right there. Probably rake in quite a bit of money, working off student loans and such soon. Studying for the coming MCAT, applications, working, very busy in the New Year.
So yeah, things are finally looking up for me. Now that the stress is over, I'll start working on some new stuff for DA. Some ideas floating around, but give it time and I may surprise you!
As for the holidays, I got some giftcards for Amazon as that'll be the new fail-safe for any gift-giving holiday. Already ordered stuff (yay!) so it's already coming in. (double yay!) Also, got 2 scarves from my mother, one a dark purple and the other a beautiful lavender. And they gots tassles!!! So pretty!!! Love them already.
And that kinda wraps up the last few weeks. Everything's going okay, better than before. I'm fully graduated and about to start working hopefully. Christmas presents coming soon in the next week or so.
And it all feels good. Yep. Good.
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...I Just Don't Care Anymore
3 min read
.....
I have six official days of my last semester left. A presentation and exam tomorrow, 2 papers to write, and 1 final. The day after my final is graduation.
Normally, this would make me feel elated that it's almost over.
But not now.
My life has turned into a trainwreck in the last two days. Hell, it's been a trainwreck for years, but today was the day that I finally get it.
And let it all go.
I'm pretty sure my parents are getting a divorce soon.
And I'm glad. I am so glad. And relieved. And regretful. And in pain. It's all going down in flames and I can't look away and I'm glad it's burning. I want it to burn.
There are reasons behind this. Reasons that are older than me. Reasons that I've seen and heard and experienced all my life. My memories never lie but God do I wish they'd disappear. I want them gone. I want to forget. I want them to burn too. Until they're nothing but ashes and I'll never have to look at them or remember them ever again.
I want out. To leave. To move and find my own place. I want to be alone. Dear God, do I want to be alone. To much pain caused by other people. Too few people that haven't hurt me before, but only because I don't let them in. Keep them all at a distance. Across the river with an unfinished bridge. I see them, they see me, but there's no connection.
Burn it all. To the ground. Salt the earth and start over somewhere else.
Is that too much to ask?
After graduation, maybe by Christmas, we'll see if it all ends. Maybe that'll be the last Christmas gift I'll ever get from my parents. Divorce papers.
And I'll be okay with that. I'm too sick at seeing how it's all gone to Hell to really care. I don't want to be here. But I have nowhere to go. I've been caged for so long and all I want is out but still the "Reason" keeps me stuck. I'm a crutch. It's been admitted. I'm a crutch to an addiction that'll only end everything.
But no more.
I want to be free.
I have six official days of my last semester left. A presentation and exam tomorrow, 2 papers to write, and 1 final. The day after my final is graduation.
Normally, this would make me feel elated that it's almost over.
But not now.
My life has turned into a trainwreck in the last two days. Hell, it's been a trainwreck for years, but today was the day that I finally get it.
And let it all go.
I'm pretty sure my parents are getting a divorce soon.
And I'm glad. I am so glad. And relieved. And regretful. And in pain. It's all going down in flames and I can't look away and I'm glad it's burning. I want it to burn.
There are reasons behind this. Reasons that are older than me. Reasons that I've seen and heard and experienced all my life. My memories never lie but God do I wish they'd disappear. I want them gone. I want to forget. I want them to burn too. Until they're nothing but ashes and I'll never have to look at them or remember them ever again.
I want out. To leave. To move and find my own place. I want to be alone. Dear God, do I want to be alone. To much pain caused by other people. Too few people that haven't hurt me before, but only because I don't let them in. Keep them all at a distance. Across the river with an unfinished bridge. I see them, they see me, but there's no connection.
Burn it all. To the ground. Salt the earth and start over somewhere else.
Is that too much to ask?
After graduation, maybe by Christmas, we'll see if it all ends. Maybe that'll be the last Christmas gift I'll ever get from my parents. Divorce papers.
And I'll be okay with that. I'm too sick at seeing how it's all gone to Hell to really care. I don't want to be here. But I have nowhere to go. I've been caged for so long and all I want is out but still the "Reason" keeps me stuck. I'm a crutch. It's been admitted. I'm a crutch to an addiction that'll only end everything.
But no more.
I want to be free.
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